Pursuers we all have a lifelong need for connection and intimacy. Over time, if the cycle continues, both pursuers and distancers feel disconnected from each other, loose intimacy, as if they have become to island coexisting together. Traits and tendencies of the pursuer and the distancer. For this reason, the pursuer is often best served by discovering ways to call off the pursuitand there are ways to reconnect with a distancing partner that dont involve aggressive pursuing. The pursuerdistancer dynamic in couples 9780415948012. It is not that a distancer would not like change, but as avoiders they would rather live with present difficult conditions than risk the difficulty of the process of change even when there is a high probability for. Pursuers in the 710 range have the most issues and the most extreme lonelinessemptiness, thus the need to fill it in. Pursuer handles toxic issues by talking them over and over this pours salt on the wound and it never heals. Development of pursuerdistancer movement scale short form pdmssf david r.
How to avoid the pursuerdistancer pattern in your relationship. Chabot, heining cham abstract the pursuerdistancer movement scale pdms chabot, 1996 is a reliable and valid 36. The person feels a great amount of discomfort with the discord and is panicked at the idea that their partner is pulling away from them and may never return. Unlike those securely attached, pursuers and distances arent skilled at resolving disagreements. How to change your attachment style relationships 101. Distancers and pursuers dr harriet lerner, author of several wonderful books about relational dynamics, describes the intricate movements toward, and away from, the intensity of intimacy especially in the sense of emotional vulnerability as a dance. Aug 27, 2019 both pursuers and distancers fear that being dependent on someone will make them more dependent. Betchen s book thoroughly explores one of the common dynamics present in intimate relationships. Lerner notes something i see consistently with clients who are pursuers. The pursuerdistancer dynamic through the woods therapy center. Betchen has taken a complex psychological pattern thats common among couplesthe pursuerdistancer dynamic and written about it in a way thats helpful to therapists who treat the problem and accessible to everyday readers who want to better understand their own behavior and relationships. Intrusive partners elusive mates is the first book to deal exclusively with the pursuerdistancer interaction, and to focus significant attention on the emerging. A pursuer places a great deal of importance on quality time. While i generally agree, i have seen many pursuers and distancers remain in character outside their relationships and or across different contexts.
Both pursuers and distancers fear that being dependent on someone will make them more dependent. A pursuer can feel a great deal of anxiety about the fact that their partner is not spending enough time with them, nor are they making the effort to. Do you overreact, maximize, or mindread instead of finding facts. While most of these articles encourage couples to open up and communicate more, they dont explain that this can blow up their faces unless couples understand that a plea to get closer by one spouse can be perceived as a criticism by the other. In fact, many pursuers seem to demonstrate somewhat anxious, histrionic, and or obsessivecompulsive traits or tendencies, while many distancers tend to exhibit avoidant, depressive, and or passive. I realized that we had a pursuerdistancer dynamic going, and i was responding in an extremely unhelpful way. Pursuers see the primary relationship issue as the coldness and withholding nature of their partners. Development of pursuerdistancer movement scale short. If we get this right, everything else about the relationship will be right.
In her book hold me tight, she writes about the steps to healing relationships such as these through the practice of emotionally focused therapy. Aug 24, 2016 there is a helpful resource in navigating and discerning your own pattern and cycles of conflict in your marriage found in an anger management style guide developed by dr. Chabot, heining cham abstract the pursuerdistancer movement scale pdms chabot, 1996 is a. A pursuerdistancer dance follows, which intensifies the dynamic.
Mar 06, 2017 the pursuer is the one in more distress about the distance, and more motivated to change the pattern. Pursuers, and distancers, are on a scale of 110, ten being the most severe. Changes must be driven by a desire to be a better partner, not to get some instant result or reciprocation. React to anxiety by seeking greater togetherness in their relationship. Most emotional pursuers are female and emotional distancers are male, but in mlc there may be a reversal of the roles as an mlc woman who has been a pursuer steps from her role and distances herself. Dr harriet lerner, author of several wonderful books about relational. Pursuers and distancers tend to team up and get entangled in sad and selfdefeating dynamics. You just throw me a few crumbs of affection now and then. Whether you are the pursuer desiring more intimacy or the distancer seeking more. The pursuer is the person in the relationship who pursues the other. What you need to make love work and the bestseller i dont want to talk about it.
Thus the pursuerdistancer dynamic often leads to hostility and argument. They want to catch the other person or have the other person pay attention to them because they have unmet needs from their pasts that they are unconsciously trying to get the other person to take care of. Pursuers think of distancers as cold and unavailable and distancers think of pursuers as nagging, demanding, and dependent. How should you respond to crises in your relationship. As someone whos always been interested in relationships, i thoroughly enjoyed this book. Intrusive partners elusive mates is the first book to deal exclusively with the pursuerdistancer interaction, and to focus significant attention on the emerging male pursuerfemale distancer dynamic. Is the pursuerdistancer pattern consuming your relationship. How the pursuerdistancer pattern can destroy your marriage. The pursuerdistancer dynamic the gottman institute. Distancers are known for being stubborn and have difficulty making the first move when under pressure.
Pursuers can be creative in attempts to engineer closeness, while distancers can be just as fervent in their resistance. The dynamic thats poison for any couple psychology today. How to avoid the pursuerdistancer pattern in your relationship when one partner makes a commitment to change their approach and their responses. The author correctly reminds us that, in his compulsive need for closeness and togetherness, the pursuer may end up provoking negative reactions in his distancer frustrating partner. Lerner terms this a distancerpursuer dynamic in which we begin by. The pursuerdistancer dynamic through the woods therapy. She provides a profile of what both pursuers and distancers are feeling as. It is practical and readable, and his focus on gender dynamics makes a creative contribution to better understanding patterns of behavior common in relationships. Similarly, distancers are often attracted to pursuers because in their childhood, they may have been left to themselves or may have been deeply hurt. How to change your attachment style relationships 101 medium.
Pursuers, distancers, underfunctioners, overfunctioners, and blamers. They tend to become defensive and attack or withdraw, escalating conflict. One email from 52 emails to transform your marriage if you find yourself thinking that your partner is an extreme pursuer or distancer, but youre not as extreme, look more carefully at yourself. Oct 08, 2018 pursuers need to become more responsible for themselves and distancers more responsible to their partners. They frequently check in with their partners just to see if everything is alright. She provides a profile of what both pursuers and distancers are feeling as follows. Lerner writes a lot, across all of the books ive read, about how easy it can be to propagate an unhealthy pattern. Pursuers the driving force behind a pursuer is fear or anxiety. How to break out of the pursuerdistancer dance moving past. How to avoid the pursuerdistancer pattern in your relationship when one partner makes a commitment to change their approach and their responses, on a consistent basis, their relationship will change. Even if youre not an extreme pursuer or distancer, you still likely fall more toward one category. However, if as adults we feel desperate for love, connection, or validation, our parents may have been incapable of being close to us or acknowledging that we were special and unique beings. Pursuers, however feel very anxious about the state of the relationship, vigilant to see if their partner has somehow become angry or upset with them.
Pdf development of pursuerdistancer movement scale short. Distancers need someone pursuing them to sustain their emotional needs that they largely disown and which wouldnt be met by another avoider. However, in a secure relationship, healthy dependency allows you to be more interdependent. When distancers seek too much distance it can make pursuers more anxious and they increase their attempts to get close which only make distancers want to seek more alone time. Another master of relationships is a researcher and therapist named sue johnson. Pursuers initiate action to realize change, whereas distancers are either content or complacent and lack the motivation to change. Distancers feel smothered by the pursuers craving for more connection and often lose desire for the pursuer.
Later in life, distancers often avoid saying what they think in order to avoid escalating anxiety. Distancers see the issue as the neediness of their partners. The craving for connection that pursuers yearn for often backfires and the cycle of wanting connection and receiving rejection reoccurs. The emotionality or intensity that accompanies this process, however, may result in fusion followed by a desperate need for space or distance. This article helps counselors practicing marital therapy to become more familiar with this particular troublesome style and offers several treatment techniques to alleviate it. Of major importance is the discussion and demonstration of the relationship between the concepts of parentification and childlike behavior and the pursuer and the. Intrusive partners elusive mates is the first book of. While most of these articles encourage couples to open up and communicate more, they dont explain that this can blow up their faces unless couples understand that a plea to get closer by one spouse can be perceived. The irony of the pursuerdistancer pattern is that its reinforced by popular selfhelp books and websites to save your marriage.
Nov 28, 2018 i realized that i was overfunctioning in some important areas, and inadvertently fueling conflict. If the pursuer can look forward to this it may calm their anxiety. Do you obsess about being left, abandoned, or growing old alone. Parentified pursuers and childlike distancers in marital therapy. Pursuers are known for being outcome dependent and have a hard time making changes without expectations.
However, in some cases men are pursuers and women are distancers. Male pursuers and female distancers in couples therapy. Pursuers may then feel ignored and try to get a reaction to make a connection, which will increase the stress for both of them. This book revisits fogartys work, traces the concept over time and across different professional fields, and discusses in detail the concepts. In mlc you are mainly dealing with emotional pursuing. When your mlcer reacts with a pursuit he may do so emotionally or sexually. Do you have high expectations of yourself and others.
When two people form a relationship or marry, they begi. Who often feels left out, below, or less power or value than the other. The result is a more secure, interdependent, rather than codependent relationship or. How to change your attachment style the minds journal. This entry was posted in all day, saturday, march 22 and tagged couples, couples kids and families, terry real.
The pursuer is the one in more distress about the distance, and more motivated to change the pattern. Distancers seem to not notice or care about the problems in a relationship. Harriet lerner in which she defines five anger management styles. May 12, 20 the irony of the pursuerdistancer pattern is that its reinforced by popular selfhelp books and websites to save your marriage. Place a high value on talking things out and expressing feelings, and believe that others should do the same. In my new book, 52 emails to transform your marriage, i guide couples through writing messages to each other that each tackle a different issue that can undermine connection. Distance pursuit games are dysfunctional patterns caused by impaired abilities to maintain a healthy separateness and connectedness in relationships. Individual and relationship counseling for healing and growth. Pursuers need to reduce the burden they are putting on to their partner to satisfy their needs.